The scene: Somewhere deep in the thick, lush urban jungle of Chiang Mai, it is night. The air is heavy with the smell of Thai spices. Laughter tinkles forth from a bar on the banks of the River Ping. Beyond the edge of the light that radiates from the bar is one man, hidden from view. His name is Arnold. He is wearing army camouflage, a flack helmet and heavy boots. His face is plastered with camo paint. In his right hand, he holds a walky-talky. Occasionally, he gestures towards the trees, grass and river all around.
Suddenly, he is joined by a second man; Gerry, also dressed in army fatigues. The second man's arrival startles the first briefly, before he quickly regains his military composure.
Gerry: Wotcha Arnold. All is well, I do 'ope.
Arnold: (in a slight but not easily-identifiable European accent) Gerry, what are you doing here?
Gerry: How do you mean?
Arnold: Gerry, I did not call for you tonight. I thought you were with your dog? Is she not sick? You said she has cancer?
Gerry: Yeh, she was but it's all okay.
Arnold: Really?
Gerry: Yeh, it's not a tumour.
Arnold: Well, that is good, Gerry. But it still doesn't explain to me why you are here.
Gerry: Well, this is a job, innit?
Arnold: Yes.
Gerry: And, I'm a...you know...soldier of fortune, right?
Arnold: Yes
Gerry: Well, that's why I'm here. Anyhoo, what's the job?
Arnold: (sighing slightly in a way akin to really bad acting) It's a birthday job.
Gerry: Surprise or cutting-the-throat type?
Arnold: The first one.
Gerry: Oh, I do prefer the first one. I hate the look on their faces when they realise "oh great! It's my birfday" then "oh shit! Someone's gone and done me". Kinda makes it hard to blow your candles out, if you get what I mean. He he.
Arnold: (slightly annoyed) Gerry, can I be honest with you?
Gerry: Always Arnold, me old mucka. I'm taken aback you should need to ask.
Arnold: You lack focus.
Gerry: (oblivious) Ooo. Look. Is that Daryl Hannah having a drink in that here bar?Arnold: No Gerry. That's our target. Rachel Bell.
Gerry: Ah well. Regardless, tasty sort right there, if I do say so myself.
Arnold's walky-talky crackles into life briefly, with a message that is incomprehensible to all but the most-highly trained military ear.
Arnold: Go ahead.
Walky talky: Crzzzz hzzzz crckzzzz htzzzz.
Arnold: Thank you, Dolph. (Turning to Gerry) Gerry, wait here a moment. I'll be back.
Arnold is gone for some minutes, during which time Gerry takes the opportunity to scope the target. She is sitting in a bar with a male, drinking a cocktail. They are talking and seem relaxed. Arnold returns.
Arnold: Dolph says to say "hello".
Gerry: Wicked. How is he?
Arnold: Tall. Blonde. Like always.
Gerry: Of course. So, you were telling me the drill for tonight.
Arnold: (thinking for a second before answering) What the hell. You're here now. In about five minutes, that girl's farzzer will...
Gerry: Her what?
Arnold: Her farzzer.
Gerry: Eh?
Gerry: Oh! Her fa-ther.
Arnold: (slightly annoyed) Yes. Exactly. Her...fa-ther...will arrive in about ten minutes. She has no idea he is even in Thailand. She thinks he is in Australia.
Gerry: Aw. That's nice, innit.
Arnold: Yes, it is. He is also carrying many little presents for her.
Gerry: You don't say?
Arnold: Yes. You see, she is Australian...
Gerry: Austrian?
Arnold: No, you ee-diot, Australian
Gerry: Right-ho.
Arnold: ...and he has brought her Vegemite, all the make-up she has been unable to purchase and a pack of Tim Tams.
Gerry: Ooo, I like a Tim Tam.
Arnold: I am also quite partial.
Gerry: Well, that's a lovely surprise, that is.
Arnold: Oh, it doesn't end there. Also, as a surprise, they have been staying at the Rarinjinda Hotel.
Gerry: Sounds a bit swanky...
Gerry: Is that the one where you get to visit the market?
Arnold: The very same, Gerry. You have been paying attention. That is good.
Gerry: (blushing) Shucks. Thanks Arnold. I try to keep up-to-date on the movers and shakers on tripadvisor.
Arnold: (Looking into his binoculars). Then they will all go for a meal at a restaurant called House; a very impressive establishment.
Gerry: Geez. I had no idea Chiang Mai had so much to offer!
Arnold: Sure, Gerry. It's a very impressive city. It has much to offer for the adventurous traveller.
Gerry: Clearly!
Arnold: (Quickly putting down the binoculars) Look, here he comes. (Talking into the walky-talky) Everyone in position? Commence operation birthday surprise.
Both men sit in silence for a while, watching intently the scene unfolding in front of them. The older man comes up behind the girl and taps her on the shoulder, mouthing the words, "do you mind if I sit here?". The girl jumps up in surprise, hugs the older man and tears begin to flow. There are big smiles on everyone's face as they sit down to share a meal.
Gerry: (Also looking into his own binoculars) Oh, check out the look on her face! She didn't see that coming did she?
Arnold: No, Gerry, but then they never do. I'd say it went like clockwork.
Gerry: Yeh, it sure did. One thing though? Something I've never been able to work out.
Arnold: Yes Gerry?
Gerry: Well, what exactly is our role in all this?
Arnold: How do you mean?
Gerry: Well, we just sat in the grass here whilst a bunch of people met in a bar.
Arnold: That is correct.
Arnold: (thinking) I'll level with you, Gerry.
Gerry: Please do Arnie.
Arnold: We mainly do it for Sylvester these days.
Gerry: How's the big guy doing?
Arnold: Not so well, Gerry, if truth be told.
Gerry: Bummer.
Arnold; Sure is, Gerry. Sure is.
Gerry: Fancy a drink?
Arnold: Sounds good, Gerry.
Gerry: I have to introduce you to this guy. He wants to shoot a movie in Mexico City!
Arnold: Mexico City? Seriously, who sets a movie in Mexico City?
Gerry: That's what I said, but turns out.....
Fade to black.
All the pics from the birthday week (!) in Chiang Mai are here
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